ANON
Remember....
BLIEDEN
Yeah.
ANON
I have no name.
BLIEDEN
Right.
ANON
And there is no me as a real person.
BLIEDEN
Hey everyone. That's the voice of the anonymous man I interview and I'm
Michael Blieden. Welcome to episode 7 of The Cold Bath. In the last
Episode I asked Mr. Anonymous about his very first job in politics and on
his way to telling that story, he got sidetracked reading from Churchill,
which brought him to tears. Here's what he had to say about that.
ANON
I just want to say this. Women hate it when men cry.
BLIEDEN
That's right, first thing out of his mouth is a sexist generalization that I
kind of agree with.
ANON
Women want us to be unlike them because they are so out of control most
of the time that they want to pretend that we are in control all the time.
But Einhard, E-I-N-H-A-R-D, who was the contemporary biographer of
Charlemagne, that is 700 approximately, A.D., said of Charlemagne, "He
had the gift of tears." In other words if you think about the spilling of
blood. The enemies, yours, but mainly the blood of the innocent civilians.
If you can't cry, there's something wrong with you.
BLIEDEN
I do think about the people that die every day in Iraq. And all the
civilians. They die by the hundreds. Every day.
ANON
It's nothing compared to the number of Germans we killed in World War
2. But there, we won. And to the victor goes the amnesia.
BLIEDEN
Tell me your first job in politics. I just want that story.
ANON
Okay. The police are us and we are corrupt. So the police are corrupt.
Try being a policeman. Try being paid that lousy salary and being
exposed to the boredom. I was working in politics and I was so young. I
was a teenager. A young teenager. About the age you were when you
were in that camp where you saw the girl in the purple pants.
BLIEDEN
Fourteen. Fifteen maybe.
ANON
About that age. About. You know, I don't rightly remember. By they way
everything is fair in politics. Some Italian said the language of power is
as limited as the language of lust. Let me translate that. You can fuck'em,
you can suck'em, you can kidnap then, you can blow them up. See the
similarities? Okay, now...um...I was told by one of the commissioners, he
doesn't need a name and I'm sure he's gone to his reward, this is, you
know, 1969. Here's a roll of fifty dollar bills. I want you to approach
every unattended policeman you see. This is in the morning of election
day, so we were there to see that the machines were not used, the voting
machines, were not used against us in the areas good for Maria
Procaccino...
BLIEDEN
Who was your opponent.
ANON
He was one of the opponents. There were more than one. And um, that
the machines worked extra-specially well in the area good for us. I'm just
being a little snarky now. But ah, you know, as Dunne said in 1897,
politics ain't bean bag. This is a contest for power without the use of
tanks and missiles and bombs, but don't kid yourself, it is every bit as
surely the contest for power as war. Anyway, ah...
BLIEDEN
You were given a roll....
ANON
I was given a roll of fifty dollar bills, and in those days I didn't put most of
them in my pocket and go home, because I was young and stupid. And he
said, "I want you," he had been a cop. And he said, "I want you to roll
them up," not the roll, but each individual bill...so...he didn't know from
joints, this man, but so that it was much smaller than a joint. He's...and
you roll it with the gray side out because it's psychological. Greenbacks -
people think money. "And hold it in your left hand so that only like, a
32nd of an inch is peeking out." And I'll never forget what he said.
He said, "So that only a policeman will recognize it as money." And he
said, "Go up to every cop unattended, not, no witness, and you say the
commissioner wanted me to buy you a cup of coffee." That was the code.
BLIEDEN
So you would be approaching these officers. Unattended officers who were
guarding voting machines in hostile districts to your candidate.
ANON
Yeah. Or friendly districts. Hostile districts we, ah, broke the machines.
And friendly districts we tested the machines. We tested them so we got
four or five extra votes per machine. That's how a process is conducted. If
you want to have this explained to you don't listen to me, see the 1940
Preston Sturgess movie "The Great McGinty." It is a photograph of the
old politics.
BLIEDEN
Alright. So I feel like we got this story now. I feel like we finally got
where you come from.
ANON
I just want to say there was one officer. He was black. He was skinny. He
was young. And he said, "You hand that to me and we'll have a date at
375 Broadway. That was the Attorney General's office. He was the one."
BLIEDEN
Well that's it. That's the story. That's what I wanted him to tell. That
was his first job in politics. I'm just repeating this, not that it needs to be
repeated. Bribing cops. In case you were wondering where his outlook
comes from, you might be getting sense of it now.
ANON
Now, the kids know that the Bush administration stole the election, and
that they stole the last congressional election. That's why the Democrats
won. All elections are stolen by the winner. That's the definition.
BLIEDEN
What is Obama Size Me?
ANON
Obama Size Me is this. If you read, and I don't recommend this, but if you
read the front page of the LA Times, in the lower left hand column,
Monday, it says "Obama's Book Too Full of I's." That's not eye. That's the
capital letter "I". Obama's book too full of I's. Now, what is this? This is
Hillary Clinton cutting Obama's balls off.
BLIEDEN
Let's play a game. It's three weeks from when this article comes out.
Where does he stand by then? Has there been a trickle of more of these?
ANON
Oh no, not a trickle. A flood. This is what you do. You test to see whether
the bullshit is working. And it doesn't matter what bullshit it is and who
you are. And ah, this is what journalists call penetration. Now reach
your hand down and find your lower colon, cause that's what they're
penetrating.
BLIEDEN
I want to say something embarrassing. I read that article and I'm just
being totally honest here, it worked on me. It worked on me.
ANON
Of course.
BLIEDEN
I read it and I thought, "Yeah that was a little pompous of him to not
include the other people."
ANON
They do this for a living! They do this for a living this is their job.
BLIEDEN
I'm such a Hollywood Bush hater and I literally, when Obama spoke at the
convention in 2004, right? That was when he spoke?
ANON
Right.
BLIEDEN
2004?
ANON
I guess.
BLIEDEN
I cried. I cried. It made me so happy to hear so full of positivity and so full
of hope. I wept. And here it is, however many years later and I read this
article and I think, "yeah, he's a little pompous."
ANON
Well look. They don't...they're not amateurs. They were not born
yesterday. They do this for a living and they're very good at it.
Um...when Andy Rooney called for the end of Universal Suffrage he made
it seem plausible. Illness reminds you, you know Emily Dickinson said,
"Although I could not stop for Death it kindly stopped for me." It's kindly
stopped for me about 8 times. And I'm very grateful. Because before that I
was a regular you know, young male. That is to say a fucking asshole.
And after it had
stopped for me again and again and again and again and
again I began to wake up. Would I trade what I have learned and what I
know to be a healthy vigorous young man. In a minute I would! But
anyway I don't look at Obama as a paper saint because I knew good black
people, bad black people, rotten black people, horrible black people,
marvelous black people. So I see them coolly. I read his ridiculous
autobiography which was just an attempt to inoculate himself from, you
see he's not a person, he's a lawyer. He's an officer of the court, so he
doesn't want to say I committed the felony of cocaine. In fact he doesn't
even use the word cocaine. He says "blow". And he doesn't mean "blow
me." He's not Bill Clinton. So...that was Bill Clinton's slogan by the way.
Women like...
BLIEDEN
Don't get on a Bill Clinton blowjob tangent.
ANON
No no no no. But we're talking about Clinton versus Obama, and
remember the campaign is run by Bill Clinton because Hillary Clinton has
the political talent that god gave a journalist.
BLIEDEN
Now I can't tell if that's an insult or a compliment.
ANON
It's just like saying the political talent that god gave an ass.
BLIEDEN
You think she does not have political talent?
ANON
Zero. Less than any political figure I can think of. Dennis Kucinich who
is a very nice guy but an escaped mental patient has more political sense.
Howard Dean who is, you know the reason they put him in as chairman of
the Democratic National Committee is it costs so much to institutionalize
someone.
BLIEDEN
Now, try to not make this a two hour response because I want to finish
Obama Size Me.
ANON
Absolutely.
BLIEDEN
And I want to finish this episode. No no no. I'm going to ask you a
question. Try not to make your answer a two hour response.
ANON
I'm ready.
BLIEDEN
The Howard Dean scream which had been recycled so much. I mean, it
wasn't that bad.
ANON
There was nothing bad about it. Nothing whatsoever. The masked media
has the job of destroying certain people and promoting others. Like it
has the job of promoting Obama Size Me and it has the mission of
destroying Howard Dean. The Democracked Party did not want to have
Dean as the nominee. When I say the Democracked Party, there are 30
Repugnants and One Hundred Democracks who run both parties and
politics is property. They own it like you own those shoes and they don't
want to let it go to some outsider like Howard Dean who comes from a
Park Avenue family. His mother's best friend is Barbara Bush and um,
who was a doctor so naturally he has the sense of himself that every
doctor has to have because, you know, you're working on people's bodies
every day so if you don't think you are a demigod you can't be a doctor.
BLIEDEN
But you think that the scream.
ANON
The scream had nothing to do with it. They destroyed him before the
scream and this is why. The campaign manager, I don't want to say his
name, but the campaign manager was previously with the Gephardt
organization. Now I'm sure people went to Dick and said "Dick, fair is fair
you're not going to make it. Your time has come and gone. Like somebody
should say that to Hillary. Like somebody should have said that to Jack
Murtha. That somebody is the Speaker of the House. But they didn't and
as a result of them not doing it he continued with the campaign but at the
point where he realized that he was getting no votes I think people said
we're going with Kerry, and this is why. They don't care whether they
win or lose. They care whether they keep control of the Democracked
Party. This is why McCain wasn't the nominee years ago because they
were going for Bush because they wanted to control the Repugnant Party.
Look, I just want to say one thing about Bush.
BLIEDEN
That's always bad news when you say I just want to say one thing.
ANON
I know but this'll be just one thing. Sixty-five million years ago some
chunk of ice or something hit the Yucatan Peninsula and eventually killed
off the Dinosaurs. I blame Bush. Go ahead.
BLIEDEN
Connect the dots for me, cause we have to wrap it up.
ANON
Obama Size Me.
BLIEDEN
Why do you say that. It's a reference to the movie Super Size Me.
ANON
We are all victims of McMedia, and I saw the wonderful movie...
BLIEDEN
Super Size Me?
ANON
Super Size Me. Thank you. And this guy eats every meal, breakfast, lunch
and dinner, and snacks at McDonalds. He ate at McDonalds and we eat at
McMedia. If you turn on the television or listen to the radio, anything but
the internet, it's McMedia. And McMedia has to sell us something
different every day because change is the one constant in our lives and so
they sold us Obama Size Me. Uh, now Hillary Clinton wants the
Deomcratic nomination. Nothing wrong with that and so she has to cut
the balls off her opponents because politics ain't bean bag. And so she has
her agents feed the reporters, see the reporters don't know anything,
that's why they're called reporters. If they knew anything they would be
something else.
BLIEDEN
Let's play the you are working for....game. You're working for Obama.
This article comes out. What do you say to him.
ANON
Well, you have to go backwards. You have to go way backwards. Because
you don't start working for the candidate when he decides to run for
President. You have to start working for the candidate 10 years before.
Right? So the first thing I would have said is you come from upper middle
class circumstances. Don't play the "po'" card. It's not the right card for
you. It's just horseshit. You have to be who you are, no matter who you
are. You will meet a person like Hillary Clinton in the future, and
although she doesn't have the wit to do this, people around her will, and
they will cut your balls off. Don't hand them the razor.
BLIEDEN
Well that's it for Episode 7. Mr. A talks so much shit about Hillary I feel
compelled to say that my only experience with her was, I saw her speak in
college. She came to speak on behalf of Bill Clinton who was campaigning
at the time. I was very impressed with her, and ah...I thought she was
great. That's the only experience I ever had. I just feel compelled to say
one positive thing. My apologies to her. My apologies to Barack Obama's
balls who were mentioned several times in this episode. Coming up
Episode 8, very patriotic episode. You're listening to the cold bath.
ANON
I love myself. And by extent I love my country, because my country is
myself writ large.